We would like to share our little ray of sunshine with you. Here is the slideshow my sister-in-law Nicola Mooney and our dear friend Jason Holmgren put together for us for Drew's memorial service. If the above video does not work for you, cut and paste this link in: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kwEDNDnXz61
It feels as though my Rhode Island-sized heart has a Texas-sized hole in it. I miss my little Drew so much. I have wandered all over the house looking for something, anything that might smell like him, but have come to the conclusion that a) there isn't anything, and b) it's probably a good thing that there isn't anything because it would be too painful. I realized today that when you are drawn to one's smell, it is not just their smell - it's also the sense of being near them that is so touching.
I am amazed at the peace that has surrounded us this week and the confidence that Drew is better now, but I am also amazed at how much I miss his presence. I go from hurting to trying not to think back to hurting again, and then after moving through a cycle, I find I come out peaceful, if not a bit short on tears. Jordan and I went to the mall today in search of something and I found that experience very taxing. There was an abundance of moms and babies there, and more than that, moms with two small children. Though I feel happiness for them, it causes me to reflect on our own situation. Jordan and I sat down for lunch and he left for a moment. After sitting with only my thoughts for a while I realized I was feeling sorry for myself, and it occurred to me that though grief is ok, I still have so much to be thankful for. I don't have time to feel sorry for myself, and that is not a positive way to deal with grief! Please pray for us that we are able to see the blessings in our life right now - I find it helps so much to find things to be thankful for!
Case in Point - last night I was missing Drew so much. I had come to know him so well over the last 4.5 months - we had spent so much time together and I had learned to watch for his smallest nonverbal cue. As I was putting Peyton to bed I felt so sad that Drew wasn't there too that I didn't enjoy the process of putting Peyton to bed, or the silliness and life that he exudes. At about 10:30 p.m. last night, Peyton awoke with bad dreams (about the Loch Ness Monster of all things!). When he first awoke, we did not know what had upset him so much. He was carrying on and nearly incoherent. After asking him yes/no questions we finally realized he had a bad dream, but both Jordan and I found ourselves worrying that he was sick before we drew that conclusion. He went back to sleep after some snuggling, and I learned a lesson I hope I won't soon forget. The thought of him being sick, losing him, or having to watch him suffer hurt so much that I realized how much I loved him! I have let life happen this summer and have not intentionally parented him. I need to learn to enjoy him again, and find out who HE really is. Not who I think he is, but who he thinks he is. He's nearly 4 and capable enough of communicating that, I just need to stop to watch him close enough to see it. Lessons learned last night: Live in the moment. Be thankful. Parent intentionally. And most importantly, let him show me who he is - stop long enough to see it. It was an amazing day with him today, and already I feel so much more connected with him. Here's what I found out today - Peyton's favorites: Color - DARK blue; Food - psketti noodles; Shirt - Mickey Mouse shirt; Game - Go Fish; Friend - Eli; Place to go - Eli's house; Thing to sleep with - Mommy; Thing to do in a day - play with Mommy; Number - 3. I know it probably was just favorites of the moment, but it amazed me that he so clearly knew what he liked.
Please continue to pray for our family - we are still waiting for test results from Drew's tests (we could be waiting for months still). The results could determine whether or not we are able to have any more children, and if it could impact any of our other family members. Please pray we will get a definitive diagnosis and that it will not have any impact on anyone apart from Drew. Thank you so much for your continued prayers - really. They are making a difference.