Tuesday - gone, but where?

Our aim last weekend was a relaxing weekend, with time for reflection, rest and relaxation, with some kid-chaos thrown in of course. The outcome would lead me to believe Murphy follows us around.

We went to Drumheller for an extended weekend thinking it would be a hot location, if there is one to be had in Alberta, and for some outdoor activities and dinosaur hunting. It's only an hour and half away, but is an area a little like the Grand Canyon, on a smaller scale and known for its dinosaurs. We arrived Thursday and it began to rain. It rained (rephrase... down poured!) for 36 hours almost non-stop. Our tent would have floated away with us atop the air mattresses, calling for rescue. Emphasis on "would have." We called the family we were to camp with and said we thought we would stay at a hotel instead of setting up in the rain so they insisted that we stay with them. In their trailer. With triplet boys Peyton's age. We were so thankful for a dry place to stay, but I am sure we drove them to insanity - two families and four four-year-old boys in a trailer was an adventure that put the dinosaurs in the area to shame! We cut the trip a bit shorter than originally expected and headed out Saturday morning to get home in time to dry out before Monday.

We settled back in after the last drops evaporated to find our rhythm again after all the adventures of the last couple weeks. Drew's tournament was so incredible, it was definitely a highlight of the last couple months and we were beyond thankful for all the participation! We are still working hard to get all the last items wrapped up, totals tallied, and thank-you's out.

Our rhythm was a little stymied by a jig in it the early part of this week. Peyton decided he needed to check back into the hospital just to keep us on top of things. His visit was a short one this time, but it threw us for a pretty good loop. He had his last surgery in April after which he had not really had any problems with his stomach. We noticed he started having a few tummy aches again in the last few weeks, but there was so much going on, it could have been from stress or lack of fluids due to irregular routine. I worried about it a little, but hoped they would subside with better diet management and routine. No. We were back at it again, watching our son writhe in pain and unable to do anything to help other than offer heat packs, kisses and snuggles. The helplessness that had passed with the experiences rushed back in a flood and threatened to overwhelm. Jordan and I looked at each other with disbelief, confusion and discouragement reflected in each other's eyes.

In honesty, the thought went through my mind for the first time, "This could have all been averted if we would have caught the appendix before it burst - why didn't we catch it?!?!" I felt anger. Anger at the medical world. Anger at life. Anger that my son knew more suffering at four than I had ever known. Who was I angry at though? When I put a voice to it, Jordan handled it with tact. He reminded me that there was no way ANY doctor would have known about Peyton's appendix until after the fact due to its location, and that Peyton was going to be ok. He allowed me my anger, and watched as it subsided, turning into resignation and hope. I remembered a conversation from a very recent conversation where I said with conviction, "With every new low we experience, we seem to reach a corresponding new high," and I wondered where this would lead.

Peyton walked into his room in the emergency room, looked around (while clutching his tummy) and commented on the similarity of this room to the one he was in last time he was throwing up so much. He climbed up on the bed like it was his own, circled like a cat before he snuggled in, and asked me to turn the tv on. No fear. Just fact. Ok. He fell asleep right before each procedure - where did I say Murphy was?? Jordan took him for his X-Ray, held him upright in a sitting position while he snored away, and carried him back to his room, all while he slept. Peyton might have continued sleeping had we not decided to poke him to start an IV! I was surprised he had fallen asleep in the first place, in spite of the tummy cramps, but it seemed to help the cramps subside (chicken first, or egg?). We tried to wake him up before poking him, as that seemed altogether too cruel of a way to wake a person, but he was determined to keep sleeping, wet washrag to the face and all! The needle did the job.

If someone woke me with a needle, you'd want to plug your ears. If someone woke Jordan with a needle, there would be someone on the floor, and it wouldn't be him. The nurses placed bets as to whether or not Peyton would wake tearing at things. He woke with a gasp and saucer eyes, ready to scream, but allowed only gasps out, and wondered why he was being invaded. It only took one reminder that staying calm meant they would probably only have to try once, to bring him back to sanity (or to squelch every natural instinct in his poor little body!). He immediately switched tracks and told them calmly but forcefully, "I'm DONE." (translation - get out of here!)

Peyton was amazing to watch. Had you watched from the outside, where you could not determine age, you would have thought he was far older than his four years. Once the IV was started, he maneuvered the line deftly, and sat there playing on Jordan's blackberry with an unnaturally straight left arm like there was nothing wrong, and certainly not something that might cause discomfort to a normal, inexperienced hospital newbie. (I cringed just thinking about it.) The only time he actually showed his age and allowed a window into his mind was when he was uncertain about a possible intervention. We told him he had to do a pee test and he thought he had to get a "pee tube" (catheter). He furrowed his eyebrows and the window into his experiences opened with a whoosh. We quickly clarified and he immediately closed the window again. My son is far more mature than I am in some ways I'm afraid. My dear brave boys. I wish I could take both of their ailments away and make them my own for their sake. Strangely enough, I believe I will always say that I am thankful for these things we have learned through, (though I would take them back if I could) for through these things we have learned what love really is, and how much I would do for my children. I would take on so much if I could just make it better for them... my words - but nothing new to someone so much greater than I. Does He really love me as much as I loved them? I had no concept before our journey. I am sure I still don't, but I know how much I would do for my sons.

More to come on the tournament...

Amazing...

The tournament was AMAZING. We are leaving town for a few days to catch our breath and I will post about the success upon our return. All I can say it that it was an absolutely amazing day and thank you so much to everyone who came out. Even more, thank you to Aisling and Nicola (and their husbands/cheer squads) for pulling together such an incredible event.

Thanks to everyone who purchased raffle tickets too or who made donations - each one had such an impact on Jordan and I, and will go so far. Thank you.

More to come soon!!!

Tournament Day!!!

We are very excited about tomorrow and are very hopeful that the day will be a success! What would make it a success? If people are reminded of the purity of love, of the wonder of a child's smile, and of the value of community support, it will be a success. To those participating from a distance, if I could give each of you a hug and a thank you that comes from the very depths I would in a heartbeat. We cannot say thank you enough.

My greatest fear for the day is that we will not be able to adequately convey how thankful and amazed we are at the outpouring of support for this event and our family, or how thankful we are for their involvement. How do we possibly put that into words?!

A verse read Sunday gives me renewed strength this week as we have opened up Pandora's box again... "You will grieve, but your grief will turn to joy. ... Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy." John 16: 20, 22 I am so grateful for the joy we experience in spite of the grief, and was reminded on the weekend that we do get to see Drew again, and will see his and our keeper too. That is a source of joy for me! And nothing can change that, no stressor, no distraction, no person, nothing at all! A good friend said, "Perhaps Drew is praying for you." What a thought.

Please pray for the success of this Day for Drew.

Check it out at www.adayfordrew.com.

Happy 2nd Birthday Drew!

Happy Birthday Drew!!! 2!!

We LOVE YOU!!!!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7z8sVpL0rz8

Reminiscing... 1rst Birthday Joys

Good friends

Some valuable snuggle time

Mr. McGillicuddy Jr. and Papa

Happy 2nd Birthday Baby Boy!

Yesterday was Drew's second birthday and we celebrated the miracle of his life. While it was an emotionally charged day, it was also a magical day and Drew was a part of it in so many ways.

We started the day out by visiting his memorial plaque in the Garden of Angels. That was the first time for us, as we don't feel he is really there, but everywhere else. It was not as difficult as I imagined it might be, but it was definitely a very bittersweet experience. Peyton seemed to be alright with the idea that it was simply a place for us to remember Drew, one of many. He liked the idea that it was a place where others could remember him too, and that even people who didn't know him would be able to remember him. It was a very peaceful experience and we enjoyed our little Sunday service made up of our little family, surrounding Drew and surrounded by Drew. We are so glad we went.

Peyton brought a Transformer for Drew as well as a lucky penny he found, and as a family we brought the little frog for him. We chose a memorial marker with the little boy on the side because we wanted to be able to tell Peyton that we saw that as him, praying for God to keep Drew company.

Drew gave Peyton a kaleidescope as a special gift.

Peyton loves you so much Drew.

Peyton made himself right at home...

Showing Drew the treasures.

My boys...

Mommy's moment with Drew

Mommy's cause for so many smiles in spite of sadness!

The next part of the day was Peyton's favorite if you ask him. He was so excited about Drew's birthday party and wanted to make sure we invited people his age and decorated everything to the 9's. It had to be just right!

We weren't sure of the weather - they were predicting thunderstorms for the afternoon, but the afternoon turned out absolutely perfect. We couldn't have asked for better weather. The atmosphere was almost magical and our prayers for guidance navigating this experience seem to have been answered better than we could have asked for.

Some of the highlights of Drew's party for me were the lighting of our "Drew Candle" that stayed lit until the last person left and we blew it out with kisses, singing Happy Birthday to him while balloons floated on the breeze up to heaven, watching Jordan paint the expectant faces of the children, and most of all, the clouds at the end of the evening. Thank you to everyone who joined in the tribute - it was an experience I will treasure. The hole in my heart throbs with these words, because I so wish Drew was physically here to enjoy his day, but I felt the joy of knowing him and the peace of his new comfort as a salve to my heart throughout the day. It doesn't slow the tears from falling though, and I realize over and over how much I miss him and that I will love him forever and forever.

Balloons for Drew - his favorites!

Our Drew Candle
Upside down, but then you can read it!

Some of the creatures you could have encountered at the party:

The best part of the evening...

Coincidence?

Drew's feet topped my list of most loved spots to kiss, aside from his fuzzy head. If you look closely, you can almost imagine chubby baby feet in the bottom of this photo of the clouds. One with the toes, the other, just the back half of the foot. It was unmistakable in person, and I wish I could have captured it better with film. What a gift.

The baby foot again, surrounded by a hand. I would have needed a much bigger camera to capture this, but have you ever seen clouds like this? My Drew is loved, by both his family and by someone so much greater than I. I cannot imagine the depth of love my Creator has for us if He is willing to remind us in such a tangible way. I am so glad my Drew is in the lap of someone who loves him even more than I.

Thank you God.

I love you Drew. Mommy.

Short Post... more later

I am determined to succeed at something I have set my mind to, one small thing that seemed so feasible, in spite of the fact that my human weakness is driving me to give in to the easier option.

I am not feeling up to writing tonight, yet I have set myself on this new course. So - it seems like a fair compromise to tell you why I am not writing much tonight and may or may not post this week, in few words, and then give in to the desire to put my mind to sleep.

We met with Drew's metabolics/genetics specialist today to discuss the final outcome of his test results and the impact to our future decisions regarding family. I have promised to write on this before, but cannot bring myself to write on this one yet. Jordan and I don't know how to feel, let alone how to write about it in such a way as to share that with others. I know the right time will come. Until then, please forgive me for not writing this week. Pandora's box has been opened today and my emotional quota has been drained for the week so I think I may hibernate for a bit.

Thank you all for your continued prayers. I was reminded by a dear friend tonight that God is so good and blesses us abundantly in the most unsuspecting ways. I will be forever thankful for knowing Drew and everything that comes with knowing him. A wise friend said it well, "I liked who I was before this happened, didn't necessarily like who I was while in the middle of it, but like who I am now better than any of those I have been before." I pray I will always say the same about my future state.

One of those parents (?)

(His version of "Smile")

I actually almost felt normal the other day, although the category I was in was not exactly "normal" by our typical standards. Sounds odd - let me explain myself.

We decided to take Peyton to the Calgary Stampede on Friday. Not naively either. I think we knew what we were in for, but decided to brave the land where kids drag the parents around for the first couple hours only to be followed by hours where the parents drag the kids around. There is a lot to see and do for big and little, but I think if I was little I would be cooked after 2 hours! The strange thing to me was how many people were there with small children and babies in strollers. This is the afore-mentioned "normal" part - there were so many there that must have thought, "This will be a great experience for my child(ren)!" I have to group myself with them I guess! Anyway, I figured that after about 2 hours Peyton would start to get tired and then we would be counting the minutes until we had to escape before insanity hit. Enter Irresponsibility. We arrived before lunchtime and left at dinnertime. Amazingly, it worked alright. We only ended up carrying Peyton piggyback for about 1 hour off and on! Here is the day in pictures (the explanations are above the pictures).

In theory... this is why I originally wanted to bring Peyton - to see some farm animals up close. (I know I've been living in a big city for too long when I take my child to see farm animals at an affair like this!)

This was the other reason we went, although I wouldn't have admitted it even to myself I think.

Peyton surveying the grounds from the kids' ferris wheel eagerly in the kids' park saying, "I would like to ride................ ."

"Drop of Doom" for kids.

Peyton is in the middle. This was so funny to watch and he LOVED it! He told me I wasn't allowed to ride it, I had to watch instead he said. He screamed every time it dropped and then he stopped. Arghh. Argh. Arghhhhhhhhhhh. Arghhhh. Argh. It sounded like someone was pushing the pause button!

Here it is in video - I figured out how to get the video clip on, but my photo program wouldn't let me rotate it, so you will have to tip your head to watch it! Sorry.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=49SHGARWtds

We had to add this one for the sake of Peyton's Auntie Nic. We heard this was her fave.

And this one was Daddy's favorite as a kid. You can see it was a hit for the next generation too. (What's crazy is that this ride is still around. It looked old enough to be the same one! Yikes.)

Peyton actually thought his motorcycle was jumping. I feel pretty good about this kind of motorcycle ride!

I think I could handle this one... Peyton rode this slide in the kids' section. He's on the right side (the one you have to squint and pretend to see).

After he exhausted the rides in the kiddie land, he decided he needed bigger and bolder. Much to Mama's chagrin, I actually let him talk me into this ride below. It was about the only one he was tall enough to ride on in the main Midway, and I tried to no avail to talk him out of it (for my sake and his!). It should show you what his little personality is like to see that he ended up riding this!

And this is what everything looked like to me after getting off the above ride! Once was definitely enough for me. Peyton would have continued if he had his way!

This is the adult-sized version of the one he rode in kiddie land. I had to ride with him on a "magic carpet," and the first time we rode it, I had both hands dragging on the sides trying to slow us down while he was yelling, "Faster. Faster!" I let go and thought I was living on the wild side for the next 4 times he insisted that we ride it. The picture doesn't do it justice - it was as high as the ferris wheel, and twice as long as the kids' slide!

Finally, this was the result of a long day! Peyton hit the pillow already sleeping I think. He's snuggled up with the whale he won and with Drew Bear.

What an adventure! It's a good thing the Stampede is only once a year. It's an experience a little (a little, emphasized) like having a baby. You forget what it's really like in between experiences, so you keep going back for more. I'm glad we went, but boy am I glad that's over! I think Peyton probably was too. He was yelling out, "Mommy! Catch me!" in his sleep that night!

It's cold here!

After a week and a half in Denver, where one would figure the climate would be similar to Calgary's, I have to admit I am frustrated with Calgary's weather! This "summer" business really doesn't deserve to be called "summer." Either that, or we are not yet in summer, we are still in winter - oops, I meant spring. It's just plain old chilly here! Every day in Denver was over 85 degrees. Since we have been home, it's been 75 degrees tops here. If we are lucky. BRRRR! I love it here. I love it here. I love it here... I'm going to keep saying this in the hopes that I will remember why I like it here so much! I suppose my tune will change on the first warm (and sunny) day.

I have to share the reason for so many smiles in our attempt at a new normal. Peyton enjoys life to it's fullest every day of his life. He doesn't stop and contemplate how he is going to feel one day, or what the day will be like, nor does he plan everything to the nth degree - he just lives each single moment to the fullest potential of the moment. He is the best counselor we could have asked for to get through the difficult days, without even knowing we might be having a difficult day, and without knowing the impact he has. The video below is a perfect clip to capture the essence of Peyton, from the attempt to do such a man-sized job to the choice of clothing (with shorts on backwards so he can see the picture), and from the fearlessness over the bug to the tenderness shown to it. (All I have to say is it's a good thing we live in a place where most of the bugs are harmless!!!)

(I keep trying to load the video clip and blogger is having trouble with it - stay tuned... I will figure this out!)

Ok - sorry it took me so long! I kept trying to load it through blogger, only to see it try to load for 4 or 5 hours and then fail again, so I decided to get with the YouTube phase. It worked! I have to admit I am smiling a smile of success right now - and mocking myself at the same time - it was way too easy. I am going to have to get with this techno stuff if I want to keep up with Peyton! I hope it makes you smile like it did Jordan and I.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=59AfhuXzQQ8

This is what brings perspective for me! I love every moment of watching this child grow!

Now for a Drew piece... I have to share the picture we captured the other day at Heritage Park. You could probably tell me there is an explanation for this effect, but please don't. I prefer to continue to think of Drew as my little sunbeam and am so overjoyed at every reminder of the beauty of my son-beam.