I'm not sure how I would feel in Peyton's shoes today but I don't think I would be very happy with the world! He went to sleep last night after a conversation with the nurse where he found out he had to have blood work (NEEDLES!!!) first thing this morning. As he was drifting to sleep he said something about tomorrow never coming. The surgical resident was in at 7:30 this morning to examine him so he awoke to us poking and prodding him, which began to set the tone. (You also have to know that he inherited his "love" of mornings from one of the two of his parents.) After that, he asked me if it was tomorrow now. I had to be honest so I answered yes, to which he responded appropriately (although his reaction warranted the closing of the door opposite us). He wanted to know when they were coming so once again I was more honest than I probably should have been. I told him they would be coming at 8:00, when the long hand of the clock was on the 12. I've never seen a child his age watch a clock so anxiously! Every minute or two he would glance at it, panic, and say, "Mom! Look! Look at the clock! Oh no!" This was in spite of my sincerest attempts to distract him. We finally resorted to watching TV and he calmed down until the lab cart wheeled up. Again, the door across the hall closed. The lab techs know us by now so they tried to do what they could to make it better, but he was not about to make friends with those that have to poke him. He had worked himself up so much that the first attempt was a failure - he was so worked up that the vein collapsed! After the second poke and a quick chat, he quickly caught onto the fact that if he didn't calm down they would have to do it a third time. Now if only I can get him to breath like that every time they come to poke him. I loved the fact that he was able to be calm through the second poke all the way up until they went to put the cotton ball on with the band aid! What a trooper.
After his poke he wanted breakfast but couldn't have any because he was on a no-food order for his ultrasound. That contributed to his Monday mood, which was getting better and better! After that, I went in to the washroom for a moment and had closed the door enough that I couldn't see him on his bed. He had been glued to the bed all morning so I wasn't really worried about leaving him there for 2 minutes, but I guess I should know better with Peyton! I heard something outside the door and went to open it only to find him standing outside the door waiting to scare me. Normally this would not concern me but he has a pick line in his left arm where he has had 4 IV lines hooked up until just recently and if he pulls it I can only imagine what would happen (the line goes up his arm vein into the cavity near his heart!). Providentially, we had unplugged the machine from the wall earlier to go for a walk and I had forgotten to plug it back in! He had toted his IV machine all the way around the bed over to the washroom without even a peep. (He wouldn't get out of bed for the planned walk 30 minutes before that for anything.) As I looked out the door through the crack he was allowing me all I could see was taut cords! Arghhhhh. Needless to say, you can imagine the combined relief and amusement I felt when I saw what he had done and that everything was still attached as it should be. I think we turned a corner over the weekend and though he still has quite a ways to go it feels like he is going forward now.
He started walking over the weekend, usually in pursuit of a blue popsicle. He looks so adorable and yet so vulnerable when he's walking, hunched over and a bit like a cowboy who's been riding a horse for 24 hours straight. One of his little playmates was up to visit yesterday and it was amazing what that did for his spirits and capabilities. He took off with his surgery-induced gait and I had to work to keep up with the IV pole. We had a very short window of being able to keep up with him! He took a step back this morning and was hurting to walk again, but I'm sure we will take two steps forward again soon.
We were due to get that aforementioned ultrasound today to determine how the 3 abscesses they found last Thursday are doing but they had to postpone it to tomorrow morning. The surgical resident that visited this morning mentioned it's very uncommon for the antibiotics to eliminate abscesses, but that's what we are still going to hope for. It looks like Peyton may be here for a while still.
I have had many opportunities to reflect during this visit and part of me is grateful for this opportunity to walk the same halls, go through many of the same routines and talk to many of the same caregivers. It has allowed me to recall memories of Drew that might not have surfaced otherwise. I am thankful for the reminders of him that draw me closer. I was listening to a song this morning that brought me a smile in spite of the bumpy start. It's from the Quest for Camelot soundtrack and it's a song called On My Father's Wings by the Corr's. Their words are, "I will fly on my father's wings To places I have never been There is so much I've never seen And I can feel his heartbeat still And I will do great things On my father's wings." It's sung in the movie by a young girl who lost her father, but as she sang it my yearning ears only heard, "I will fly on my baby's wings, to places I've never been. There is so much I've never seen, and I can feel his heartbeat still. I will do great things on my baby's wings." It made me think of all the places I will see and all the things I will feel because of my baby's wings, and also of all the goals my heart will make with the inspiration of my baby's wings. I love you forever Drew!
Thank you for upholding our family with prayers, visits, meals, and support - we would be lost without you all!
Here's the thought that's been going through my mind this week, "I have raised you up for this very purpose, that I might show you my power and that my name might be proclaimed in all the earth." Exodus 9:16